Get nearer to the answer for me

What I've wondered and doubt about is now going to be positively revealed; I think I finally become able to find the appropriate answer for me. I've doubt about school educational system which I get directly modified knowledge from my teacher. Modified knowledge, I've doubt about that for 5 years actually. Frankly, I didn't want to be accustomed and knowledged to modified knowledge. For a long time, I've eagered to get my own point of view myself. Everything around me was the source for research, consideration. I've tried to face with the fact or the object around me without any knowledge or bias at first. It was really challenging job for me because I must attend school and take a lecture from my teacher as a studnet everyday. In my highschool year, I stupidly tried to avoid from any modified knowledge from me. Yet I had a lot of my idea, or my point of view on the object separated from the other, I thought my past trial was not the way for me to follow. Although I am far evolved about some specific field I've done, I failed lots of jobs as a student, and as a I myself. Although I could notice I was trying wrong for my dream, and doubt about the way I was dreaming, I couldn't stop it because I didn't understand the other ways to be with: which was standarized way for my good friends who always did their best as a student, there were the top of the school, and they could get what they need for their dream. Compare to my friends, especially from my high school friends, I was kind of faulty high school student who was the mistakenly accepted to out school. Surely, I've failed at my G.P.A and friendship a lot because my friends did not want to be friend with me who was purchasing something. Maybe I didn't want to have friends or I was not sure about myself. For that, I was not able to purchase something beneficial with society. Maybe, actually I'm sure now, I was too inclinded to do what I wanted to do, and what I felt I need to do. But everything, I must taste bitterness of failure because I was complexed between the world around me and I myself, and I thought it caused my lack of endurances, and kind of rash attitude disturbed me a lot. I must get to be accustomed to one of them: society or my world, but I couldn't make choice exactly. I did have a dream in my life, and I needed to do something social to achieve it. I tried to theorize myself. I didn't want something odd from me, and I tried everything around me must be balanced though I didn't know what was the balance; I mean it was too different to be used to for me. Actually, I didn't know nothing and maybe I was in the darkness for a long time, and maybe I had thought it was the lightness. I am now older than I was used to be believed by me. I judge on myself whether it is true or something horrible. What I had been afraid of, the destruction of my creativity, I don't know it is really creativity or not but for me, I would not matter on this kind of odd, ambiguous matter that I am not able to answer for that exactly now in my present as a student, or as my job. I do have things to deal with. I would not be afraid of that and the way of getting knowledge because I am sure anyway I will have what I'll have to do. I am yet not able to see wholly all of cause and the effect, and maybe it will be able to in the future. But I am sure, my tasks, I would not detail all over them. But myself, I would live what I'll never regret for and be sorry for. I know what I need, I don't yet complete to say something about this situation, but life is on-going movie. Like that, I make it. As I answer for above question, because as truly as 'I' myself as I believe in and reasonable understand and judge is real matter. I need something about really achievement now to GET INTO CALTECH. Q : My feeling and reasonable judgement, I feel or I judge. Q to A : The end of the faith, why philosophy must be differed from the history? support and the fact. Why? Let's relate with human will.