Get nearer to the answer for me

What I've wondered and doubt about is now going to be positively revealed; I think I finally become able to find the appropriate answer for me. I've doubt about school educational system which I get directly modified knowledge from my teacher. Modified knowledge, I've doubt about that for 5 years actually. Frankly, I didn't want to be accustomed and knowledged to modified knowledge. For a long time, I've eagered to get my own point of view myself. Everything around me was the source for research, consideration. I've tried to face with the fact or the object around me without any knowledge or bias at first. It was really challenging job for me because I must attend school and take a lecture from my teacher as a studnet everyday. In my highschool year, I stupidly tried to avoid from any modified knowledge from me. Yet I had a lot of my idea, or my point of view on the object separated from the other, I thought my past trial was not the way for me to follow. Although I am far evolved about some specific field I've done, I failed lots of jobs as a student, and as a I myself. Although I could notice I was trying wrong for my dream, and doubt about the way I was dreaming, I couldn't stop it because I didn't understand the other ways to be with: which was standarized way for my good friends who always did their best as a student, there were the top of the school, and they could get what they need for their dream. Compare to my friends, especially from my high school friends, I was kind of faulty high school student who was the mistakenly accepted to out school. Surely, I've failed at my G.P.A and friendship a lot because my friends did not want to be friend with me who was purchasing something. Maybe I didn't want to have friends or I was not sure about myself. For that, I was not able to purchase something beneficial with society. Maybe, actually I'm sure now, I was too inclinded to do what I wanted to do, and what I felt I need to do. But everything, I must taste bitterness of failure because I was complexed between the world around me and I myself, and I thought it caused my lack of endurances, and kind of rash attitude disturbed me a lot. I must get to be accustomed to one of them: society or my world, but I couldn't make choice exactly. I did have a dream in my life, and I needed to do something social to achieve it. I tried to theorize myself. I didn't want something odd from me, and I tried everything around me must be balanced though I didn't know what was the balance; I mean it was too different to be used to for me. Actually, I didn't know nothing and maybe I was in the darkness for a long time, and maybe I had thought it was the lightness. I am now older than I was used to be believed by me. I judge on myself whether it is true or something horrible. What I had been afraid of, the destruction of my creativity, I don't know it is really creativity or not but for me, I would not matter on this kind of odd, ambiguous matter that I am not able to answer for that exactly now in my present as a student, or as my job. I do have things to deal with. I would not be afraid of that and the way of getting knowledge because I am sure anyway I will have what I'll have to do. I am yet not able to see wholly all of cause and the effect, and maybe it will be able to in the future. But I am sure, my tasks, I would not detail all over them. But myself, I would live what I'll never regret for and be sorry for. I know what I need, I don't yet complete to say something about this situation, but life is on-going movie. Like that, I make it. As I answer for above question, because as truly as 'I' myself as I believe in and reasonable understand and judge is real matter. I need something about really achievement now to GET INTO CALTECH. Q : My feeling and reasonable judgement, I feel or I judge. Q to A : The end of the faith, why philosophy must be differed from the history? support and the fact. Why? Let's relate with human will.

What is the best creativity for me?

One professor at MIT gave me unforgettable wisdom, 'The best creativity is what added to existing scholastic tradition'. It changed my perception on scholar a lot. For a long time, I just tried to make everything connected to me being under my control. I've had to struggle a lot. Because it was almost impossible desire to be done in a time, not the matter of challenging. I did not want to accept the scholastic tradition for a long time. I did not try to get accustomed and be knowledged about scholastic tradition and existing knowledge. In my past 2 years of highschool, I had to try to be knowledged for tests but I didn't. I did not want it because I doubt that knowledge given for the test would blur my creativity. As I remember now, I was afraid of that. I didn't try but I try to grasp the idea suddenly come across my brain like a twinkling star in the darkness of the night. But now, I would change my attitude. I do need to know about the world before I try to amplify my idea all over the world. I must keep my pace and active myself toward scholastic tradition. My friends around me are really good at that. But for a long time, I didn't. I must not forget the meaning of trying and not try to estimate the result above of my ability especially. I would not comment about this idea a lot now. Later I will, but now I have my tasks to finish for my advancement, especially scholastic tradition. In conclusion, the best creativity for me could not be defined but I could learn from it how I can strive for it.

3/3 (2)

The purpose is above of the purpose itself. It make me strive for my goal and give me the chance to reflect myself. Blured purpose, not exactly settled purpose are the burden of my life. Q. Am I know the exact purpose of my life? A : There is no exact ultimate answer for my existence so as long the purpose. If I don't try it, I don't have any meaning at all.
My purpose for 2007 : Get accepted admission from Califonia Institue of Technolohy in undergraduate.
I do really think a lot. But if it is not fit with the achievement of my dream. I must fold it up. Do not afraid to lose my idea. Try to see more broad and wide concept all over myself. It will decide my destiny ultimately whether live or die. I don't have any more lingering attachment for my life. I burn myself. The remainings exist for me are that the power, desire and confidence for my goal. If I achieve it, I will live. If I don't, I will die. Any more lingering attachment for my life. D: I don't mean attachment is the source of my life. I do for my goal. Do in right order. Indescriable and not needed to do it, I must live my life.
p*s :1. I would end up my paragraph under the idea; The purpose is also one kind of human will, and human will could not be grapsed ultimately but I have a chance to try it. 2. Wide philosophical concept gets stronger when they become able to include more broad philosophical conception. 3. Trying to follow the ordered and defined rule would be beneficial and helpful for me to achieve sth in this society. Not every my creativity can change and determine everything by its power.

3/3 (1)

How can I try to achieve something unless I exactly understand who I am? But unfortunately, I don't know the meaning of understanding, or understanding itself. So I have to focus and try my best at my meaning of existence, or existence itself. But in my opinion, yes it would contrary to every mathematical, scientific goal, indescriable and limitlessly questionable inquireness, maybe if I try to find the meaning of sth and find sth to do sth exactly in order, two trying are false. First of all, every substances could get real meaning or existence when they really do their existence, full of being. But if the way I'm following interupt my existence, that has no meaning at all. Q. Can I recognize above of existence? I do what I have to do first. It's not fool to do things different from the ability what I believe in as special. I know what I have to do. At least, I must do what I have to do to fill myself full of being. Anything could not restrain me from my existence. At least, I try it. The worst case is that my thinking limit my existence. I must keep myself. Second, not every question could be answered ultimately except for science and mathematics because these are subjects that reflect time and human will truly. I don't mean the other subjects not. But as I mentioned before in this paragraph, as we defined it, philosophical questions have the meaning and the answers get existence when we are trying to do it. I would support my opinion with the development of philosophy and religion. Try to have it in continual not momentous work. The new start doesn't have essential meaning for me now.